My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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