Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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