i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
