i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
