he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I got inside last night via doggy door
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
