I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
3 2 1 whiskey
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
