here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
