My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
