Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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