cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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