I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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