I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
