White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
