Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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