I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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