You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
