I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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