woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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