Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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