The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
