I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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