It's Friday. Sex?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
