ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
