Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
