So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
