I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
