So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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