It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
