New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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