Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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