so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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