Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
