hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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