Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
