If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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