If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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