I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
The best revenge is premature balding
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
