You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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