Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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