dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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