ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
