omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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