1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm eating all of the evidence.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
