I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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