I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
