Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
