my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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