My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
