Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
