wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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