im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
