I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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