JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
