I heard we made out
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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