Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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