Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
