I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
