I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
