so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
