Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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