Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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