You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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